Chapter Ten – Jade POV

“Jade, are you listening?”

My head snapped up, my eyes darting to Morgyn. “Um, yeah, sorry.”

He looked at me, tilting his head. Marco crossed his arms in front of him. “Morgyn, I’m not trying to be rude here, but I think maybe she has a lot on her mind. Can this wait for a few days, so she has time to process everything?”

Morgyn shot Marco a glare. “You can’t be serious, Marco. The realm is in disarray, and you think it can just be put off until one of our own sages feels better?”

I saw Marco’s eyes flash red for a moment, a sign that he was getting angry. “You know, I’m real tired of everyone being completely insensitive to what she is going through!”

“Marco…” I stood up and put my hand on his chest. “Stop, please. Morgyn’s right. This really can’t wait.”

Marco’s expression softened, but he sighed and stepped back.

“Jade, I am very sorry for your loss, but we do need to fix this problem quickly.” Morgyn’s green eyes darted to Marco before looking back at me. He seemed to be fearful of Marco. I guess I didn’t really blame him for that. After all, the two of us caused hell in this place with my own son.

My son…

I quickly tried to push those thoughts away. “Yeah, I understand. And thanks. I get why people don’t exactly feel the way I do. To all of you, Orion was the enemy.”

Morgyn tilted his head. “Jade, I was a bit of a step-parent to him. I’m also saddened by his loss. I just know, right now we have bigger issues to face before we can stop and grieve.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Not to downplay your feelings, Morgyn, but I don’t exactly see you distraught at all over the loss of my son.”

Morgyn sighed. “Whatever, Jade. I don’t want to argue, alright?”

“Nor do I.” I crossed my arms. “What do you need us to do?”

“Well, we need to restore the realm, but I can only do so much, since a lot of this was created with dark magic. That’s where you two come in. I need you two to help with the restoration, remove all dark magic. However, we need to tread lightly in some places, as we need to be absolutely sure Orion is not revived in any way, and no one else given the opportunity to-“

“He can’t be,” I interrupted. “There’s no possible way. He was essentially wiped from existence. No tomb, grave, urn, nothing. He was reduced to dust.” I knew my tone was harsh, but this was not something I wanted to be talking about, not that I had a choice.

“And you know this for certain?” Morgyn raised an eyebrow.

“Would I fucking say it if I didn’t know, Morgyn?” I growled.

Marco quickly put his hand on my shoulder. “Jade…”

I shrugged it off. “Fine, I have work to do anyhow.” I didn’t wait for a reply before leaving the two of them. I knew my exit might set Marco off again toward Morgyn, but frankly, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want reminders of my son, I didn’t want to have anything to do with magic, or legends, or anything with this damn place. I wanted out. I needed out.

I waved my hand around the front steps, casting a dark magic spell that would essentially “vacuum” up the dark magic and dispose of it. Raising my arms, I saw the magic started to work.

Until it stopped, leaving about half of the dark magic just floating, the other half completely untouched. I tried again, almost immediately breaking a sweat, my arms growing heavy and shaky. I had to stop.

“Oh Goddammit!” I cried, a rush of magic surging through me with my rage, sending everything crashing to the floor again, causing cracks and craters around me. I stormed out of the building as some other spellcasters came running to see what was going on. Sure, that’s all they needed to see. Jade causing more chaos.

I continued up to the gardens, just wanting to be left alone completely. I couldn’t even do what was asked of me. I was essentially useless to everyone at this point. At the same time, I was more than angry. I was at a level of anger I had never truly felt in my life, ever. I couldn’t swallow it, push it aside, make it go away, act like everything was fine. No. It hit me at full force, along with the deep sadness I had for losing my son.

“I guess we got what we deserved, didn’t we, baby boy?” I asked, looking up at the hazy sky that once looked so beautiful to me. Now, it was just a dull, boring scene. I couldn’t tell if that was because the realm was so damaged or because of my own grief and mental warping of my surroundings. I sat in the grass, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my face between them, covering it fully with my arms. “We got what we deserved. You’re gone, and I am powerless. Useless. Why am I even still here? Why am I still trying? Of course I want to correct what we did wrong here, but if I can’t even do that, what is the point of remaining in this doomed place?” I felt tears fall from my eyes. “God, I miss you…so much.” My fist pounded the ground beside me as my tears fell. “And everyone around me rejoices because ‘the monster is dead.’ They think I’m crazy for mourning you for all of the wrong you did. But Marco and I surely weren’t innocent! Yet, we get a pass because hey, we’re good now, aren’t we? You weren’t even given a chance!” I sobbed. “And you never will be given a chance. Because of me. I killed you! Your own mother!”

“You didn’t have much of a choice…” I heard. I looked up with bloodshot eyes to see Marco gazing down at me with a worried expression.

“How much does Morgyn hate me right now?” I asked, gazing at the water before me.

Marco sat down beside me, placing his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t think he hates you at all. I think everyone is just very worried about you, more than anything else.”

I waved my hand. “Nobody needs to worry about me. I’m fine.”

He brushed a tear from my cheek. “Are you, though? It doesn’t take much to see that you are going through a lot, and people seem to be incredibly apathetic and insensitive to your feelings.”

I looked back at the water, leaning into him. “I understand why they are. I mean, to them, Orion was the enemy. We all were. I get it.”

He sighs. “Sure, but he was your family.”

I nodded, more tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’ll…be okay.” My voice was shaky, and a sob broke through my words, but dammit, I needed to be okay. There wasn’t time for me to sit around and sob about what happened. I was needed.

I was always needed.

“And you?” I finally asked, burying my face in his shirt. “How are you feeling? No one ever asks you that.”

Marco smiled a bit. “I’m proud. So proud of our kids.” He stroked my hair. “They did something that most adults couldn’t do, and they did it so well.”

I couldn’t help but smile a little. He was right. Our sons kicked ass and took names when it came to that task they were given, all to save their father. “They are heroes.”

Marco nodded. “Yes, they are. In every sense there could possibly be, they are truly heroes.” He tilted my head up to his. “If there’s one good thing that came out of this, it’s that. People will always remember what they did and who they were. Right?”

I looked away, despite him holding my face toward his.

“No, no, look at me.”

I looked at him again. He smiled warmly. “We will always have that, above anything else.”

I nodded, but didn’t say a word.

“I’m not trying to change your outlook, or tell you not to grieve, okay?” His face turned serious, almost sad. “But just remember to look at the good too. Remember what they did and why, and be proud.”

“Ethan almost died.”

“Shh,” Marco smirked a little bit. “We won’t talk about that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. He smiled as I did. “See?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just, this whole thing is hard. I don’t even know how Caleb is taking it. Everything around me is blurry and dull. My powers aren’t working as they should. I’m not myself. I’m not Jade. I’m just a shell.”

Marco nodded, understanding. “For what it’s worth, you’re still the beautiful, strong Jade I know and love. You just have some hurdles in front of you. You aren’t alone though. Let me help you with the hurdles, just as you’ve helped me with mine.”

“What hurdles have I helped you through?”

He tilted his head. “Those damn headaches. Which seem to be gone now, by the way.” He smiled a little. “And you’ve helped me in other ways that I can’t describe. So please, let me help you too.”

I looked away again. “Marco, I don’t know how you can help.”

“Well, I assure you I will do everything in my power to help you, however you may need it. Alright?”

I sighed. “That’s a huge burden to take on.”

“That’s what I signed up for when we got together, no?” He smiled.

I couldn’t really dispute that. I sighed again. “I mean, alright, if that’s what you want to do.”

He nodded. “Of course it’s what I want to do.”

I looked at him again, studying his expression. I rested my head on my knee and just gazed at him. “I don’t know how we can help Morgyn if my power isn’t working as it should.”

“What’s happening?” He asked, curious.

I explained what happened at HQ when I tried to start restoration, and he nodded, looking off at the trees. “I see. Well, it makes sense, given what is going on with you. Your mind is all over the place, of course your magic won’t be as strong as it once was.” He rubbed my back. “When we go back down there, we can cast the spell together and hopefully get things started. But, take your time. If Morgyn gets angry, well, that’s on him. He should understand better than anyone why this is happening to you and how it limits you.”

I sighed. “Marco, I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

His eyes widened in shock. “Do…what?”

“Anything having to do with magic. No more sage status, no more spellcaster, no more magic realm. Our life has been far too chaotic with magic in it, and we always seem to find ourselves on the wrong side of magic as well. Like the universe has something against us, always wanting us to be dark. I’m tired of it.”

He listened, watching me and nodding from time to time. “I see. I think the darkness problem would not have been an issue if you weren’t with me.”

“Marco.” I shook my head. “You saw the legend. Whether we liked it or not, that was destined to happen. Don’t blame yourself.”

He sat, in thought for a few minutes. “Do you ever wonder if those legends just wrote themselves? Like, whatever powers that be saw us getting close and just wrote us into some legend that we would be these evil forces taking over the realm?”

I raised an eyebrow. “No. Those legends were written long before we were even born, Marco.”

“How can we be sure?”

“The same way we can be sure that we had nothing to do with that decision. We knew it would happen, tried to stop it and still fell into it. It didn’t matter.”

He nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

I moved closer, sitting in front of Marco and leaning my back against him. “I just want us to have an easier life. Is that too much to ask?” I sighed. “And what if I’m permanently damaged from Orion’s death? What if this bitter woman is who I will be for the rest of my life?”

Marco shook his head, wrapping his arms around me. “That’s not true and you know it. You aren’t wired that way, Jade.”

“Pain changes people. Pain rewires people.”

“Hey, stop that. I know for a fact that everything you are dealing with is completely normal for a grieving mother. I know this isn’t who you will be for the rest of your life.” He held me tighter. “Please, just let me help you.”

“Alright, okay, yes, you can help me, Marco.” I sighed in frustration. “Though, I don’t know exactly how much help you can be to someone who doesn’t even know where to start.”

“Moments like this.” He said softly.

It took me a moment to realize what he meant. The gardens went untouched from our powers, so it was still in the same state as it always had been. Still calm, serene, the only sounds being the small pond nearby and the usual sounds coming from the sky around us. I closed my eyes and leaned against him, just listening to the sound of the water as I thought about his words. Yes, of course, it all helped in the moment, but as soon as I replayed it all in my head or even thought about Orion, the tears threatened to come back in full force again. Of course, I didn’t want to tell him that, so I kept quiet. “I’ll let you help,” I said finally.

He swayed me a little. “That’s what I like to hear.” His movements brought a slight smile to my face, but I knew it was short lived. I decided to just enjoy it while it lasted. “I’m glad you’re back, Marco.”

“Me too, mi reina.”

I turned around, hugging him tightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I felt compelled to repeat it. “I love you.”

“I know, darling. I love you too.”

We held each other for awhile before going back down to HQ. My eyelids were heavy from all of the crying, and I knew I was in worse shape than when I tried the spell the first time. “Marco, I’m going to need a lot of your power to help with this. I’m weaker now than earlier.”

Marco nodded. “It’s okay. I will help the best I can, but this task may need to wait. It’s a daunting one anyway.”

“Is there anyone else who can help us?”

“Anyone who knows and uses dark magic? No.” Marco shook his head. “Sadly.”

I sighed. “I see. Alright. Let’s do this.”

Together, we managed to lift and dispose of maybe a quarter of the dark magic in that area. We still had the whole building to go. We had no idea how the two of us could get this done.

“It’s late.” Marco held out his hand. “Let’s go home and try again tomorrow?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

We headed home and immediately went to bed. My sleep was fitful, and in the middle of the night, I got up and went to the couch. I slept better there, without Marco.

I woke up the following morning angry with myself. I was isolating myself from him too? Why? It was like my body had a mind of its own, refusing to even sleep if he was near me? Was I scared of being vulnerable around someone who wouldn’t ever hurt me? I sat up, staring at the TV, which was off. I just stared at my dim reflection, trying to figure out what the hell was going on in my broken head. I wouldn’t be able to keep doing this. I couldn’t push Marco away. Never. I refused to allow it.

I went back into the room and got under the covers. Not to sleep, but just to be close to him. He stirred a little, wrapping his arms around me.

“Good morning,” he said sleepily. “Where did you go last night?”

“Oh, you noticed that.” I sighed, frustrated. “Great.”

He laughed softly. “Yeah, I woke up and reached out and you weren’t there.”

I turned toward him. “I had a hard time sleeping, so I slept on the couch.”

He gazed at me with sleepy eyes. “Are you alright?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Well, no.”

He kissed me softly. “I’m here.”

I nodded, cuddling close to him. “I know. Thank you.”

He kissed me softly, and I leaned into him, kissing him deeper. If I needed anything, it was a distraction…right?

Marco laughed softly as I showed a bit of my desire, and after a few moments, he broke the kiss. “I figured that would be the last thing on your mind.”

I shook my head. “Distract me.” Not even letting him respond, I kissed him again. Not like he was complaining. He was always ready for a moment like this. I wasn’t sure this time. It certainly felt different….almost wrong. Even as we went through the motions, undressing, teasing, and finally getting to it, I really tried to get lost in the moment as we always did. Sure, it felt good, I couldn’t deny that, but…it felt so wrong right now.

Marco didn’t seem to notice my reservations at first, letting me lead him as I moved on top of him, clearly getting lost and assuming I was doing the same. I guess I was good at hiding it. “I missed this,” he said softly against my ear, and it sparked something within me. It definitely raised my desire, and I moaned softly, but I still couldn’t bring myself to fully enjoy this.

“You take over,” I said breathlessly, letting him push me on my back to continue this. I thought maybe if he was in control, I would enjoy this even more, but still, I was wrong. After a few moments of trying to force myself to get into it, I let out a deep sigh, frustrated.

This got Marco’s attention. He stopped. “Are you alright?”

I sighed again, gazing up at him. “I can’t do this, Marco. I’m sorry.”

He got off and got back under the blankets with me, holding me close to him. “Please, don’t apologize. It’s too soon. I get it.”

I nodded, closing my eyes. I should have wanted comfort from him, but everything just felt so…empty. I sighed and rolled the other way. “I don’t know if I will ever be myself again.”

He rubbed my shoulder. “Jade, don’t force yourself. This is a big deal. You aren’t just going to snap back after something like that. Don’t worry, I’m patient and I will always wait for you.”

I nodded. I knew I should be comforted by his words, but I felt…nothing. Sure, I was content that he was so willing to make sure I was okay, but other than that, I wasn’t phased by it.

Marco sighed softly. “I think maybe you need to get into therapy.”

“No!” I snapped. I’d be damned if I had to see a shrink and explain what was going on with me. “It’s just the stages of grief. I don’t need therapy.”

He nodded, not wanting to rock the boat further. “Alright.”

I got up, getting dressed. “I will just figure this out on my own.”

“No wait, Jade!” Marco quickly got up, scrambling to get dressed as I walked out the door. He stopped me in the hall. “Jade, please. Wait. I wasn’t trying to offend you or upset you. I just think this is bigger than what we can handle. Of course, I will respect your decision, but I just wanted to put it out there.”

I sighed. “I know you’re trying to help. It just feels like you are trying to push me off to someone else.”

He shook his head. “Jade, I would never. I promise you that. Never.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “I am worried about you, and I want you to feel the best that you can. I don’t think I can help with grief as much as I’d like to.”

I didn’t look him in the eyes. I gazed down at the floor. “It’s fine. I’ll figure it out.”

He looked incredibly hurt, and I felt guilty for being the cause of that, but at the same time, I felt…indifferent. I stepped toward him, placing my hand on his shoulder, letting it trail up until my fingertips were stroking his cheek. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m really not trying to be bitchy or rude.” I hung my head, sadly. “Will this ever go away?”

Marco’s expression was equally as sad as mine, but I knew he was more sad for me than anything. “I really don’t know, mi amor. I’ve never experienced what you are experiencing. People say it goes away with time, but that was your son. You have every right to feel like this.”

I looked away. “Maybe you’re just, I don’t know. Better off without me. I’m too damaged now. What’s the point of trying to repeatedly console me if the pain doesn’t go away?”

Marco’s expression shifted from sadness to frustration, his brows furrowed as his golden brown eyes darkened. “Jade, respectfully, don’t ever say that again.” His hands gripped my shoulders, his eyes gazing deep into my eyes, deeper than he ever had before. I could tell he wanted to reprimand me in any way he could, but he was truly holding back. “I will stick with you through all of this. What kind of man would I be if I left you when you needed me the most?”

I nodded, obediently. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I just…” I trailed off, my thoughts racing.

Marco shook his head. “Jade, save your energy. Please. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Just please, please promise me you will come to me or go get help if it gets…worse, or if you feel like…” his voice broke and he finally broke the eye contact. “You, uh, don’t want to be here anymore. Okay?”

I nodded again, my fingers moving to his chin and tiling his head back up to mine. His eyes were glassy, a layer of tears forming at the bottom. I didn’t know what else to do but pull him into a hug, rubbing his back gently, my head resting on his shoulder. “I will, Marco. I promise. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hurt you.”

His grip tightened around me, and I felt his breath catch, a failed attempt to push back a sob. “I just, I hate…” he stopped, taking a deep breath and sighing before continuing. “I hate seeing you in so much pain and being powerless to stop that pain.” He let out another shaky sigh.

I felt tears filling my own eyes now. I was really starting to feel the magnitude of what I was feeling affecting him. I held him tighter. “Marco, I….” I stopped. What was there to say? Of course, I was sorry, but he didn’t blame me. “I’ll…be okay. I promise.”

“I can’t lose you,” he said in a near-whisper, sobbing immediately after.

“Marco…no….” I rubbed his back again. “Baby, you won’t lose me, I promise. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

He nodded, and we fell silent for a long while, just holding each other. When we let go, Marco rubbed his eyes, awkwardly laughing a bit as he did. “Sorry, I didn’t expect to have such a strong reaction.”

I smiled sadly. “I get it. This affects more than just me.”

He leaned in and kissed me softly. “I love you.”

I smiled a bit more genuinely. “I love you too. Thank you, Marco.”

He nodded with a smile. “Of course. I’ll always be here.”

I tried to pull myself out of this funk in the coming days, but that was much easier in theory than it was in practice. Ethan was released from the hospital, with a clean bill of health. Everything was starting to go back to normal, the way it should be.

Without my oldest baby, of course. Despite his actions, despite his absence even before his passing, his absence was truly felt by me, and I hated every second I would think about it. Sadly, this was far more than I wanted it to be. I couldn’t do anything I used to, not without difficulty. Most of the time, I just stayed at home, making quick, microwavable meals just to survive, but not live. I spent a lot of time alone, while Marco, truly a saint, hung out with the boys, cooked meals I would have before, helped with homework and magical studies. It became clear that I owed a lot to him for picking up the slack. Yet, my compliments were also scarce. I noticed, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I noticed.

I smelled the familiar smell of food cooking from the kitchen, the faint sound of oil sizzling in the pan. My stomach rumbled, but I knew I wouldn’t even eat half of my meal. That’s how it went. I was starving, ate maybe a quarter and was too full to continue. I often passed my plate off to my growing teenagers, both who were eager to take it over.

I stood up and walked to the bathroom, gazing at myself in the mirror. I didn’t look sick or frail, I wasn’t losing weight or anything. I supposed that was a good thing, at least for the time being. I sighed and went out to the kitchen, walking up behind Marco and gently running my hand up his shirtless back. He seemed pleasantly surprised, turning around and facing me with a flirtatious smile. I returned it, letting him kiss me. Our eyes closed as our lips locked, our hands starting to wander in flirtatious and seductive ways. This time, I was actually enjoying it. Maybe I was getting better?

We heard footsteps on the stairs, and Marco quickly whisked me off to the bedroom. Thankfully, dinner was done and cooling, and the boys were coming down to serve themselves. I didn’t even spare another passing thought about it, Marco’s daring touch on my skin making me forget everything. He kissed my neck, his breath growing heavier as his fingertips trailed up my midriff, heating up my skin and letting desire consume me. I was actually getting into it, and this excited me, maybe even more than the act itself. I bit my lip, a soft whimper escaping my lips as my breaths began to match his.

He nibbled my earlobe softly, whispering, “are you alright, darling?”

I nodded. “Yes. Shhh, keep going…”

He laughed softly and did as I commanded, and within a few moments, our clothes were off and he was slowly trailing kisses down my skin. If there was one thing that was going to get me through this, it was Marco’s distractions. Lower, and lower his kisses continued, until his hands parted my legs, and his tongue found the spot that drove me the most wild. I, of course, let this happen willingly, my breath catching, getting faster, my moans for him growing louder and more frequent with each touch, my fingers tangling in his hair.

It didn’t even take long for him to bring me to my peak, and when he did, I covered my mouth to stifle the sounds my body wanted to emit. I still didn’t want my boys to hear this. They probably didn’t want to, either.

Marco came back up to me, his weight pressed into my body, his lips on my neck again as I tried to calm my breathing. “Atta girl,” he said with a flirtatious smirk.

My hands moved up his back. “Thank you. I really needed that.”

He gave me a loving smile, rubbing noses with me for a moment. “Need more?”

I giggled softly. “You know I won’t leave you hanging.”

He playfully nibbled my neck. “That’s more like it.”

And so, we began, and it was almost as good as I had remembered it with him. Our kisses, the friction between our bodies, the heat between us growing stronger, the room filling with the sounds of our pleasure. Like before, it was almost like I could never get enough of him. I must have been feeling better.

However, this too, was short lived. After a bit, I was less into it, but I put on an act. Marco at least deserved this, but I didn’t really want it anymore. Why in the middle? Why when we were enjoying ourselves? I faked a few more moans, allowing him to finish, and I was thankful it was over. But this time, I rested my head on his chest as we lied in the bed for a few moments. Marco lightly stroked my back. “Ah…amazing, as always.”

I laughed quietly, but it was a forced, nervous laugh. “Y-yeah.”

I felt his eyes on me again. Dammit. He knew me too well. “You alright?”

I couldn’t lie to him. I wanted to be transparent. “I…” I stopped and sighed. “God dammit. I don’t know. It was really, really good at first, but about half way through, I just stopped enjoying it. I don’t know what’s going on with me, Marco, I’m sorry. But I guess we can’t really even do that for now.” I sighed again and sat up so he wouldn’t see my face.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have stopped.”

“I didn’t want you to, Marco. You deserved….something, so I wanted you to have that.”

He laughed in a scoffing or ‘this is unbelievable’ kind of way, his palm resting on his face. “Babe, no. It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling. I want it to be mutual. If it’s not, tell me and I’ll stop. Okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I just…I wanted you to have that,” I repeated, my eyes meeting his.

He caressed my cheek. “Jade, I don’t want it if you don’t. That’s not fair to you.” He kissed me softly. “Okay?”

I nodded again. “Yeah.” My voice was soft, a bit ragged. “Alright.”

He pulled me to him, letting me rest my head in the crease between his shoulder and neck. I clung to him like a baby to her mother, my arm looping behind his neck. At least we had this. He was my rock, my everything. I was thankful to have him.

We redressed, ate dinner, of which I passed most of to my sons again, and I headed to the bathroom for a shower. I felt tears fill my eyes, and I sat on the shower floor, letting them fall as I covered my eyes, unable to hold them back. I was a fucking mess, and so tired of this.

“Stop!” I roared, standing back up and scolding myself for doing this yet again. I got out, dried off and got into my robe, immediately passing Marco in the living room and going straight back to bed. I closed my eyes, more tears falling, and I let myself just cry until I fell asleep.

We continued work at the realm in the following days, but I never felt any better. I did, however, start learning the art of faking it. After almost all of the realm had been restored, Morgyn approached me.

“Jade. How are you?”

I smiled. “I’m better, thank you. I have so much support, and it’s been great.”

He returned my smile. “I’m thinking maybe a celebration is in order. After all, our home is nearly at 100%. That deserves…something, right?” I could tell he was overthinking this. He was worried I would lash out. Really, I didn’t blame him. I was very short tempered and easy to snap. However, despite the disgust I felt for such a celebration, I smiled once more and put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him that I was not going to say anything or start any trouble.

“That’s a great idea. Let’s get the others and see what we can come up with.”

He seemed thrilled that I was on board his idea. “Sure! We can talk over lunch?”

I nodded. “Great.”

We parted ways, and I sighed, retreating to the gardens again to gather my thoughts. Poor Morgyn. I hated lying, but he loved this place with every fiber of his being. He deserved this happiness. He deserved this party. He didn’t deserve my negativity. I laid back in the grass, listening to the pond water lapping at the walls holding it in place as I closed my eyes. I really needed to overcome this. I felt like a completely different person. I was lashing out, I was hurting those close to me, and I couldn’t even do the things I used to enjoy.

My thoughts began to race a bit, reminding me that the man I was grieving wasn’t the son I knew. He was evil to his very core, his sole purpose being to cause chaos and destruction. He was a murderer. I needed to remember all of this, or I could never heal. We were justified in our actions, and only killed him to save ourselves and the realm. So, why did it hurt so much? He wasn’t the same person!

I felt my tears roll out of the corners of my eyes and down my temples, into my hair. I sighed and sat up. My eyes gazed up into the swirling stars around me, and I shook my head. “But why, Orion? You could have had a great life if you didn’t give into the darkness. We could have had it all and been a family.” I furrowed my brow. “I don’t understand why it was so appealing to you to hurt those around you. And now, even in your death, there is still pain.” I buried my face in my hands. “I just don’t understand…”

“Mom…”

I glanced up quickly, gazing up at my youngest with bloodshot, glassy eyes. “Kyler. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be here.”

He sat beside me with a slight smile. “Why? Because you are vulnerable? Come on. Stop hiding and let us help you.”

I sighed. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

“Grieving? Don’t we all go through it? Mom, you can’t be strong forever. I get it. I kind of miss him too, but…” He stopped. I knew what he wanted to say.

“He was mean to you.” My voice was a near-whisper. “I know.”

He nodded. “Maybe I’ll understand better when I am a parent, but for now, he was just the brother that didn’t like me. I’m more sad for you and Caleb than I am for myself.”

Caleb. Oh my God. I hadn’t even thought about him. He must have been just as devastated as I was. After all, Orion had lived with him for the majority of his life. If I was the way I was about his death, what was Caleb doing?

I stood up, to the surprise of my son, who watched me. “What are you doing?”

“I have to go. I’m going to check on Caleb. I haven’t even considered his feelings in this.”

Kyler smiled and stood up as well. “That’s my mom, always worried about others.” He hugged me. “Just remember to take care of yourself.”

I closed my eyes and hugged him tighter. “I am. I promise.” But that was a lie, wasn’t it? I wasn’t really doing anything to help myself. I was just living, day by day, hoping this would just go away. I was wallowing in self pity, while everyone around me watched as I fell apart.

We parted ways and I made my way to San Myshuno, walking up to the penthouse that I had left with Caleb and Morgyn when I left. It never got any easier to approach the house I used to live in as a guest, but I reminded myself that it had been my choice to make it that way. I knocked on the door and Caleb answered. He looked shocked to see me.

“Jade…”

“Caleb…”

He rushed out and pulled me into a hug. “How are you?”

I was a bit taken aback. “Been better, as you’d expect, I guess. I came here to see how you were doing. All this time I’ve been dealing with my grief, I didn’t even really stop to think about you, and I’m sorry for that.”

His grip on me tightened. “I’m alright. I understand that needed to be done. Of course it’s sad, but when you are immortal, you get used to loss. It’s a curse, but you learn to just…deal with it.”

I nodded. “It’s not fair. It hadn’t been fair from day one, and we didn’t even know.” I felt my tears starting to fill my eyes again, and I blinked them away, taking a deep breath and pulling out of the hug. “I’m sorry, I’m just a mess over this. I’m glad you are handling it a bit better.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with a loss like this.” He sighed. “As you know, I had mourned a child before too, so again, you just get used to it.”

“At least the child you mourned over a hundred years ago is still alive. You still have Ambrosia.” I looked out the window, not wanting to look at him. “But not Orion.”

He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Jade, look at me.”

I looked at him, my left hand grabbing my right arm as a wave of nervousness washed over me. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to say my pain is any worse than yours was. I was saying-“

“Jade, I know what you meant.” His gray eyes gazed at me with a stern expression. “But you are not okay. You need help. Like…professional help.”

And here came the rage. I pulled out of his grasp, glaring angrily at him. “No, I don’t, Caleb!”

He sighed as he watched my little tantrum. “Yes, Jade, you need help that none of us can give you. Please, just listen to me?”

I growled and pressed the button on the elevator. “No, I don’t need any of that. I can handle this myself. Do you think I’m some weak bitch?”

Caleb frowned. “Of course not, Jade. There are just some things in our lives that are too much for us, and seeing how you are handling this really has me-no, all of us worried.”

“Forget it, Caleb.” I stepped onto the elevator. As the door closed, I continued. “I’ll be fine.”

He didn’t even bother to respond, as the door closed and I was on my way back down to the ground level. I walked home from there and flopped onto the couch, alone in the quiet tower.

Marco came home and sat beside me. “Hey.” His voice was soft and quiet. I gazed at him to see a worried expression. I rolled my eyes and sighed, standing up. “Where are you going?”

I glared back at him. “Somewhere I don’t have to see that face from everyone. Can you all just not be so damn worried about me? I’ll be fine!”

He followed me as I walked out to the balcony. “No, Jade. We can’t.” He walked in front of me before I reached the rail.

“Really? You think I’m going to jump now?” I crossed my arms in front of me. “That’s where we are at, huh?”

He shook his head and sighed, that worried expression returning. “No…”

“Sure.” I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

Marco’s expression shifted, and he started to look almost angry. “Jade, I understand that you are hurting and you are trying to recover from an unfathomable event in your life, but please, don’t get angry with us for caring.”

“It would be easier for all of us if you all just stopped caring so damn much.”

Marco’s hand clenched into a fist, and I knew I was getting under his skin. Not that I cared. I was looking for a fight at this point. “We can’t do that.”

I smirked. “You can, you just don’t want to. I assure you, it would be easier for all of us.”

Marco growled a little. “I love you, and I will not let you suffer alone!” He stepped closer. “But you just keep shutting everyone out, lashing out at us when we are trying to help! What are you trying to accomplish?”

“I want you, and everyone else, to leave me the hell alone and stop acting like I’m going to off myself over this!”

“Well, are you?”

“No, Marco!” I snapped angrily. “How stupid are you to think that?”

“Then what can we do for you?”

“Nothing! Leave me be!” I stormed back into the house and into the room, locking the door. Not that it mattered. I could see Marco still on the balcony, his hands on his head as he glanced out over the city. He wasn’t going to try to come for me. Good. Hopefully the others would learn the same.

Of course, being alone and fighting with him like that made the tears begin again, and I laid on the bed, letting them fall as I sobbed. What was wrong with me? This needed to stop.

The next morning, I awoke above the covers, clothes still on, and alone. I got up and went to leave the room, and I realized the door was locked. I hadn’t even remembered locking it. Poor Marco. I sighed and left the room. Sure enough, I saw him on the couch, sleeping with the TV playing softly in the background. I sat on the floor in front of the couch, gazing up at him and stroking his hair as he slept. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I love you.”

He didn’t stir, but it was alright. He didn’t need to hear that. It was only a matter of time before I would lash out again. I sighed and leaned in, softly kissing his forehead before standing up again and leaving for the realm, not even bothering to change, shower or take care of my hair. It didn’t matter anyhow.

No one spoke to me in the realm. They saw me and continued about their business. Good. Word must have traveled fast. Of course, I didn’t want to be the bad guy here, but I couldn’t help it. Everyone’s concern just pissed me off. I was the angriest I had ever been in my life. I immediately got to work, continuing with restoration of the realm. This time, I did it alone, and I was alright with that.

After working alone for the day, I actually completed the task, restoring the realm completely, which gave me a sense of pride and satisfaction. Temporarily better. Morgyn approached me, patting me on the back. “Great work.”

I smiled. “Thanks!”

He beamed back at me. “How does this weekend sound?”

I tilted my head. “For what?”

He laughed nervously. “The celebration!” His green eyes seemed to glow with excitement. “I’m thinking this weekend at my place.”

I nodded. “Sure.”

He hugged me, which surprised me. I sighed and hugged him back, my eyes studying his face when he let go. “Morgyn…”

He gazed at me, worried. Dammit, not another one. “What is it?”

I shook my head. “I can’t do this anymore. Being here, using magic, it just…it reminds me of Orion. I want you to remove my spellcaster ability. Effective immediately.”

“Shouldn’t we talk-“

“No. Please.”

He pressed his lips together and nodded. “Sure…” I knew he was disappointed, but I didn’t really care. After all, the school was filled with hundreds of bright minds who could help them and even become sages themselves. I wasn’t unique or rare by any means.

Morgyn raised his wand, chanting a spell quietly and removing my magical abilities completely, turning me into a powerless human. I nodded to him with a slight smile. “Thank you.”

He nodded as well, but he was clearly not happy. He turned and walked away without another word. I glanced down at the stone floor before heading out of the HQ, and then the realm, for hopefully the last time.

The party that weekend was awkward at best. Morgyn actually seemed angry with me. However, he tried to push that aside as he didn’t want to cause a scene at such a happy celebration.

Marco came up behind me as I sipped my drink, watching as a few spellcasters had gotten into a playful, drunken duel together. I felt his hand on the small of my back as we watched them. They fell down like bowling pins, making those of us watching laugh. My laugh was hearty and genuine. Marco’s hand slipped from my back to my waist, and I felt his breath on my ear.

“It’s nice to hear you laugh again,” he whispered. I turned and smiled at him, leaning back into him. I sipped my drink again and nodded. “It’s liberating not being a sage anymore.”

He kissed my forehead, making me smile even more. I thought, maybe, just maybe, this would be alright. It had to be. And maybe without me being so magical anymore, there wouldn’t be so much chaos in my life. The idea of a normal life was strange to me. Foreign. I laughed softly as I thought about that, but it was the truth. Sure, it was what I was used to, but the concept was silly. Regardless, I was starting to feel positive about where this was headed. It seemed everything would be alright, and that comforted me even more than any chaos in my life could.

More coming soon! <3